Spank Week – nns united

notnumbersix:

For the past two weeks I’ve been struggling to write a series of posts about spanking. I felt strongly that the series needed an introduction of some kind, but I was having trouble putting all of it together. Then the sccwriting prompts came around, and one of them asked what I get out of submission. BAM. That’s exactly what my series needed as a kick off.

This question seems like it should be a simple one, and the answer is actually pretty straight-forward.  The feelings it evokes, however, are anything but simple. They are deep, and some are painful, but ultimately the answer is: my submission makes me feel like a whole person.

I never understood what the big deal was about sex. It took me forever to get turned on, no matter how attractive I found the person. I wanted to touch them and please them, but despite my efforts, I did not become aroused easily. Let’s also face the fact that the guys I was sleeping with had little to no interest in my pleasure, and I was pretty much left to my own devices. Having an orgasm during sex was elusive, at best. 

I thought there was something wrong with me. My mind conjured all manner of scenarios that brought me pleasure, but none of these ever came to pass in real life. If I asked for something, I was ignored. Maybe the guys were afraid; maybe they were too inexperienced; maybe they were disgusted – I really have no idea. I only know that each encounter left me feeling more and more alone, and less and less likely to bring my desires to the table. 

My experiences with sex were not like the descriptions of other girls, and I felt incredibly isolated. I assumed that a combination of the boys I was having sex with and my own physical scars were preventing me from having what everyone else seemed to get: arousal, pleasure and orgasms during sex. It was a depressing thought. (That’s a ridiculous understatement, by the way.) 

When I met my husband, I had pretty much given up on sex. I was 27, and had never had a mutually enjoyable sexual encounter. I think he took my attitude as a challenge, and he was the first person who attempted to find out what satisfied me. That in and of itself was a surprise! He cared what I felt! Sex was different with my husband in that he realized I was having trouble and he took the time to get to know my body. It was much better and I always had an orgasm, but I still took forever to become aroused. (Please understand I didn’t know there was any possibility of something different. I was busy trying to accept my flaws.)

I discovered the books about D/s, and my mind exploded. Exploded. I was *thrilled* that I was experiencing arousal so easily and quickly, and just from reading! I talked to my husband and spanking was introduced to our sex, along with a few props. We spent a couple of years toying with these in the bedroom, and while they were enjoyable, it was not what I anticipated. We both liked what we were doing, but it wasn’t fulfilling in the way we were expecting; something was missing. I’d never felt more broken and damaged in my life. What was wrong with me? What did I do to deserve this fate? My anger and depression were… intense.

Then I found Dom with Pen and understood there were other possibilities. I pursued these with my husband and you know it all worked out in the end. If you read my letter to Dom with Pen, you’ll recognize this section where I described sitting at my husband’s feet: “I realize I am turned on because he told me to do this.  I am finally doing something to please him, and he realizes I’m doing it to please him.  It’s that missing thing I’ve been trying to describe to him for two years (and myself for even longer).  I am totally shocked at my reaction, because until that moment, I didn’t realize I wasn’t broken.”

I will never – never – forget this feeling I tried to describe. Can you imagine how profound my relief was? For the first time in my life, at the age of 39, I was able to get turned on without a great deal of effort and, in fact, there wasn’t even anything sexual to the situation. I was just sitting at his feet, following his direction. I feel like I could weep every single time I think of it; in fact, sometimes I do. 

What do I get out of submission? It is the glue that holds me together. It is the very fabric of my being. Submission united my mind and body in the way I always needed, but just didn’t know about. My inability to submit in previous encounters was the cause of my distress. I didn’t get turned on because my mind wasn’t engaged. There was no one to follow. There was nothing on the other side of the scale. It was just me, giving everyone everything, but never getting what I needed in return. 

Learning about submission, being able to submit to my husband… you understand there are no words, right? You understand that realizing what I was and what I needed wiped away all those jagged edges and filled the gaping holes in my heart and mind, right? For the first time in my life, I am able to be my whole self, and the intense pleasure I feel during sex…? Holy shit.

I was never actually broken.